Today is a day of rest. Thus declared by me. As a free being.
It is a relief.
I am free to choose to be what I want to be- because I can say what I feel.
I do not wish to vomit.
I will not vomit.
That is all that there is to it.
I need not worry if I can keep my word. So long as I don;t wish it I won't.
Not vomit, not be hungry, not ask for food, not demand it.
It is okay to die of hunger.
Because there is nothing like death. If it is a state of being, then I have tested it out.
It was just that.
Being dead is being dead.
My test is done.
I am now free to live.
Be the clearing.
Do nothing or whatever I wish to do, with the complete acceptance that I am indeed nothing.
And its okay.
If something is not good, I need not accept it in that clearing that I have created. I choose to keep it clean, organised, and orderly.
I wish to write, and it is important that my word be understood. That is how I will be understood by everyone.
And if everyone can understand and accept my word, then one or two or three or the many who cannot understand, do not matter.
If I do not matter, then you don't either.
I am my word only.
Sadly.
But truly, sincerely, reasonably, like a cockroach. After all cockroaches are indestructible- well almost.
When the world comes to an end, they say, the cockroach will live.
I do not know really whether it will or not.
But all that lives shall die.
Thank God.
That life will end.
It is so painful that it would be horrible to contemplate one forever.
I am here to be used.
I hope I am used well.
Never abused.
And when I am it is my responsibility.
No one else is responsible for me.
That is all so easy.
I have anyway been responsible for whatever I did.
I promise to be responsible.
This day I feel hopeful.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Friday, October 22, 2010
Forced
Poor Hanuman!
Can you see him standing on the beach or cliff top wherever the hell he was at that moment.
And Jambwant says- Yes you can!
What could Hanuman do but give it a shot?
Was it Jambwant's own unfulfilled and unfulifillable desires that made him goad Hanuman?
Hell, who knows! And really, what does it matter! The point is that Hanuman crossed the sea and found Sita. I bet she was happy when he jumped from that tree with Ram's ring.
****
Dada says he has been good, because his Nana told him to help people when able to do so. Dada wanted his Nana to love him.
I think I know what Dada is saying - I actually had to stop fighting my family because they insisted that I was doing it out of love, and for attention.
They attend better, and with less effort on my part- but I think I decided to stop fighting before they attended.
Thing is, it seemed silly to express a (supposedly) good feeling in a way that was painful for me and for everyone around. It was easier to let go of love than to try and force it. If it was meant for me, it would come round.
For now, I think I just take a vote every morning. Talk to people that is, and I do whatever seems to be least effort, and most beneficial. That takes care of the economics too- usually.
Of course it is coercion- but it works well for most number of people. I do think everyone must have equal opportunity, and taking my own decision does imply that the ones who disagree cannot have the opportunity I have hogged.
Point is, when should I take my "own" decision and when should I allow myself to be persuaded?
Dada said the other day, that when he was encouraging Ba to take all her own decisions, he was being "wily". That was a sock in the jaw. Hell, I have been thus encouraged many times. I presumed he was being too humble, a state of mind that I tend to view with my innate skepticism.
But then I reminded myself that there was no reason for him to lie. . He is ninety, and these years are really what he calls 'bonus years'. He did not expect to live so long, and he does not particularly pray for longer life. He may be confused too, but he had nothing to lose by admitting to whatever he has done.
Anyway, I asked him to explain how it was wily to support her in standing by her own decisions.
He said,"I wanted her to marry me, her parents were against it. The only way I could have got her to be mine was if she defied them. So I encouraged her. But after marriage it made her life difficult."
If I had stood in the way of a landslide in the Himalayas I might have felt like the way I did. It was a magic moment in the bus no 22 that we had taken on our way back from San Jose, because Jawaharbhai was away. Usually he drives us around. But I guess he has some needs of his own too.
I have often, too often, been doing whatever I choose to do. Once on the "take my own decision" route, I end up with the responsibility of reaching the target. It is supposed to be mine, and mine alone. Everyone around me follows the same principle, and we have a whole lot of goals for what is a team, a family.
BAD idea folks.
Invariably there are clashes.
I am glad I met Dada, and got another go this year to review all that he says. In six months away, both of us have chewed some cud, and the story I wrote last summer can be reviewed- because all the spiritual characters have acquired a body.
This body is also important.
Dada says I can and must do the story differently now.
I am forced to rewrite- but it's a good thing to sometimes be forced to be good.
Can you see him standing on the beach or cliff top wherever the hell he was at that moment.
And Jambwant says- Yes you can!
What could Hanuman do but give it a shot?
Was it Jambwant's own unfulfilled and unfulifillable desires that made him goad Hanuman?
Hell, who knows! And really, what does it matter! The point is that Hanuman crossed the sea and found Sita. I bet she was happy when he jumped from that tree with Ram's ring.
****
Dada says he has been good, because his Nana told him to help people when able to do so. Dada wanted his Nana to love him.
I think I know what Dada is saying - I actually had to stop fighting my family because they insisted that I was doing it out of love, and for attention.
They attend better, and with less effort on my part- but I think I decided to stop fighting before they attended.
Thing is, it seemed silly to express a (supposedly) good feeling in a way that was painful for me and for everyone around. It was easier to let go of love than to try and force it. If it was meant for me, it would come round.
For now, I think I just take a vote every morning. Talk to people that is, and I do whatever seems to be least effort, and most beneficial. That takes care of the economics too- usually.
Of course it is coercion- but it works well for most number of people. I do think everyone must have equal opportunity, and taking my own decision does imply that the ones who disagree cannot have the opportunity I have hogged.
Point is, when should I take my "own" decision and when should I allow myself to be persuaded?
Dada said the other day, that when he was encouraging Ba to take all her own decisions, he was being "wily". That was a sock in the jaw. Hell, I have been thus encouraged many times. I presumed he was being too humble, a state of mind that I tend to view with my innate skepticism.
But then I reminded myself that there was no reason for him to lie. . He is ninety, and these years are really what he calls 'bonus years'. He did not expect to live so long, and he does not particularly pray for longer life. He may be confused too, but he had nothing to lose by admitting to whatever he has done.
Anyway, I asked him to explain how it was wily to support her in standing by her own decisions.
He said,"I wanted her to marry me, her parents were against it. The only way I could have got her to be mine was if she defied them. So I encouraged her. But after marriage it made her life difficult."
If I had stood in the way of a landslide in the Himalayas I might have felt like the way I did. It was a magic moment in the bus no 22 that we had taken on our way back from San Jose, because Jawaharbhai was away. Usually he drives us around. But I guess he has some needs of his own too.
I have often, too often, been doing whatever I choose to do. Once on the "take my own decision" route, I end up with the responsibility of reaching the target. It is supposed to be mine, and mine alone. Everyone around me follows the same principle, and we have a whole lot of goals for what is a team, a family.
BAD idea folks.
Invariably there are clashes.
I am glad I met Dada, and got another go this year to review all that he says. In six months away, both of us have chewed some cud, and the story I wrote last summer can be reviewed- because all the spiritual characters have acquired a body.
This body is also important.
Dada says I can and must do the story differently now.
I am forced to rewrite- but it's a good thing to sometimes be forced to be good.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
What should you do when temptation stands in your way?
Dada's advice is "Give in!!"
He says it is ridiculous to speak of temptations and sin in this day and age. We are free to make our choices.
But then Dada has decided ( for the last two years- from a total of ninety- the erring may please note very carefully ) that he does not like to judge others.
He likes to be happy.
When he does not judge, when he accepts that the other person has a context, he feels peaceful.
"The moral fiber of the world is not my responsibility. I knows the rules,I abide by them."
The others are free to do what they like.
I am sure however, that Dada's wife would not agree with him.
But then Ba has fine judgment. And she is able to live with some sorrows.
Dada says she is a strong person. I agree. Ba decides what is good or bad, and she speaks her mind persuasively.
Ba liked my story of the king who promised a reward to the man who would find a way to get the goat to refuse green grass when tempted.
Every one tried by feeding lots of grass to the goat. The hypothesis was that at some point it would be satiated.
But this just did not work. However much the goat ate, when it was offered some grass, it would reach out.
When many had failed, a saint came and took the goat to his ashram.
There he would offer green grass to the goat, and when the goat reached out , the saint would smack it hard with the green grass.After a couple of days, the saint was satisfied that his experiment was complete.
He took the goat to the king. The king offered the goat some green grass, and the goat shuddered and backed off.
In this age of Self and in pursuit of Happyness most people might say it is a rather brutal process. As the Queen of sensitivity, I would say the same.But then I have been told, oh so many times, that my freedom ends where their nose begins.
We have not concluded the argument- and never may.
He says it is ridiculous to speak of temptations and sin in this day and age. We are free to make our choices.
But then Dada has decided ( for the last two years- from a total of ninety- the erring may please note very carefully ) that he does not like to judge others.
He likes to be happy.
When he does not judge, when he accepts that the other person has a context, he feels peaceful.
"The moral fiber of the world is not my responsibility. I knows the rules,I abide by them."
The others are free to do what they like.
I am sure however, that Dada's wife would not agree with him.
But then Ba has fine judgment. And she is able to live with some sorrows.
Dada says she is a strong person. I agree. Ba decides what is good or bad, and she speaks her mind persuasively.
Ba liked my story of the king who promised a reward to the man who would find a way to get the goat to refuse green grass when tempted.
Every one tried by feeding lots of grass to the goat. The hypothesis was that at some point it would be satiated.
But this just did not work. However much the goat ate, when it was offered some grass, it would reach out.
When many had failed, a saint came and took the goat to his ashram.
There he would offer green grass to the goat, and when the goat reached out , the saint would smack it hard with the green grass.After a couple of days, the saint was satisfied that his experiment was complete.
He took the goat to the king. The king offered the goat some green grass, and the goat shuddered and backed off.
In this age of Self and in pursuit of Happyness most people might say it is a rather brutal process. As the Queen of sensitivity, I would say the same.But then I have been told, oh so many times, that my freedom ends where their nose begins.
We have not concluded the argument- and never may.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Of Bhais in the Bay Area
Sindhi bhai was unwell for a while. Everyone has been talking of how wonderful it was that his son had decided to take Sindhi bhai to India. A loving son, who offered a shoulder to his father.
But yesterday Dada told me that Sindhi bhai has chosen to take another trip. On his own.
Maybe that is what he wanted.
I would surely like to believe that.
Dada would have had him write two more books, at least.But I think Sindhi bhai took his own decision- as always.
No wonder he made it to a country that stands for liberty.
Dada says "Sindhi came to India from Lahore, and he was only in his twenties then. He was like me in that he was a 'big brother' to others. He got a job and took care of so many of his kith and kin. It was not easy."
I bow to a person who can be part of a larger family than the one formed by ties of blood, marriage and other convention.
I remember his book launch last year around the same time. It was at Didi's, and Sindhi bhai introduced me to his 'grand daughter'. He will be missed by many in the Bay area who he adopted, and who welcomed him into their home and their hearts.
But for a man who defies boundaries, there are none.
Dada and I walked on Waverly last evening.The sun was setting.
Fall is well on it's way. The wind sounds in the trees when the leaves fall.
Our footsteps made a crunching sound on crumpled leaves.
Tomorrow morning the roads will be swept clean.
Dada's hearing aid has been repaired.I hope to attend Sindhi Bhai's cremation with all his family on 7th of October 2010.
But yesterday Dada told me that Sindhi bhai has chosen to take another trip. On his own.
Maybe that is what he wanted.
I would surely like to believe that.
Dada would have had him write two more books, at least.But I think Sindhi bhai took his own decision- as always.
No wonder he made it to a country that stands for liberty.
Dada says "Sindhi came to India from Lahore, and he was only in his twenties then. He was like me in that he was a 'big brother' to others. He got a job and took care of so many of his kith and kin. It was not easy."
I bow to a person who can be part of a larger family than the one formed by ties of blood, marriage and other convention.
I remember his book launch last year around the same time. It was at Didi's, and Sindhi bhai introduced me to his 'grand daughter'. He will be missed by many in the Bay area who he adopted, and who welcomed him into their home and their hearts.
But for a man who defies boundaries, there are none.
Dada and I walked on Waverly last evening.The sun was setting.
Fall is well on it's way. The wind sounds in the trees when the leaves fall.
Our footsteps made a crunching sound on crumpled leaves.
Tomorrow morning the roads will be swept clean.
Dada's hearing aid has been repaired.I hope to attend Sindhi Bhai's cremation with all his family on 7th of October 2010.
Monday, August 9, 2010
The difficult shall be done right away, impossible may take some time
Why did I write for Dada?
Probably because I enjoyed listening to his stories.
They spoke to me of me.
And of men, the kind who I have a weakness for. Who reach out for the stars. Irrespective of the reality of where their feet are, their head is in the clouds. Where they dream of doing the impossible.
However dark the depths I displayed, he was not scared. He always had a darker story to tell. He dared me to have a positive point of view- only so that it would sell.
He was that substantial tree that Raheem or someone like that speaks of- the one which offers you a shade by the girth of it's branches, even when the leaves have fallen.
When I tried to batter him with the truth, he laughed in my face.
And pitied my intelligence.
.
Probably because I enjoyed listening to his stories.
They spoke to me of me.
And of men, the kind who I have a weakness for. Who reach out for the stars. Irrespective of the reality of where their feet are, their head is in the clouds. Where they dream of doing the impossible.
However dark the depths I displayed, he was not scared. He always had a darker story to tell. He dared me to have a positive point of view- only so that it would sell.
He was that substantial tree that Raheem or someone like that speaks of- the one which offers you a shade by the girth of it's branches, even when the leaves have fallen.
When I tried to batter him with the truth, he laughed in my face.
And pitied my intelligence.
.
I do
Who is Harikrishna Majmundar?
I have not made up my mind.
Most of the time I believe he really is as humble as the Miller of the Dee. And then he springs a surprise, mostly a nasty one.
Then I wonder if he is a wily old man.
To me he has been a shot of glucose at a particularly hypoglycaemic moment.
I am sure he will call me and tell me, that the above commitment is one only his wife is allowed to make. (Dada can deliver pompous lines oh so charmingly!! )
Irresistible- that is what he is.
He has transformed my life!
@Soma- I hope I have answered your question!
@ whole wide world (yes www) Dada turned ninety on 25/8/2009. Do I have everyone's blessing to go ahead?
I have not made up my mind.
Most of the time I believe he really is as humble as the Miller of the Dee. And then he springs a surprise, mostly a nasty one.
Then I wonder if he is a wily old man.
To me he has been a shot of glucose at a particularly hypoglycaemic moment.
I am sure he will call me and tell me, that the above commitment is one only his wife is allowed to make. (Dada can deliver pompous lines oh so charmingly!! )
Irresistible- that is what he is.
He has transformed my life!
@Soma- I hope I have answered your question!
@ whole wide world (yes www) Dada turned ninety on 25/8/2009. Do I have everyone's blessing to go ahead?
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